In light of subconsciously embarking on a “CHOOSE YOURSELF” journey, I’ve reflected and realized it is beneficial, powerful, overwhelming, life changing, uncomfortable, possible and divine. This “CHOOSE YOURSELF” journey will be covered on a later date but please Stay Tuned!
As you can see by the title “Destination NOWHERE: What Do You Mean Let’s See Where This Goes?”, I have had enough of a “let’s see where this goes” situations. In the midst of reflecting on my celibacy for the last four years I found myself investing in quite a few men who were very sure about wanting to be intimate with me but not so sure about wanting to actually be in a relationship with me. Although there are a variety of ways in which a “let’s see where this goes” situation occurs I’d like to shed light on the things that took place in my “Destination: NOWHERE” experiences.
I’d meet a guy who of course has a good head on his shoulders, aspires much for himself, has a plan on how to get there, heartfelt, handsome, intriguing, well put together, you know all the good stuff that’ll make you consider a future with someone. I will always be an advocate for taking things slow. I think it is important to feel someone out before committing to them. Considering the term “let’s see where this goes” I understand that everyone is not meant for everybody and that is something you can only figure out in time. What wasn’t an issue before but is an issue now is the fact that taking things slow required way too much of my investment. The investments included my time, my energy, my emotions, my prayers, my patience, sex (when I was sexually active), obligation, worries etc. The fact was that I’d agree to take things slow, I’d agree to see where things go assuming that the destination would be a “boyfriend girlfriend relationship” but it was never specified. A guy would literally treat me like his girlfriend, I’d invest in him as if he was my boyfriend, we would cross boundaries far beyond “just seeing where things go” and when I would ask “what are we doing ? it would be a problem. All of sudden he’s not ready for that kind of commitment. After months, even years of investment (for a lot of us) he still doesn’t know. HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?!?!
The common excuses:
“It’s too soon”
“I’ve been hurt before”
“I’m not ready”
“I don’t want to hurt you”
“I’m not where I want to be”
“I don’t want you to be my girl but I want to treat you like my girl and when you start embracing the role of a girlfriend I want to reiterate to you that you were never my girlfriend in the first place. By the way can I just intercede in your life making promises of commitment one sweet day, become apart of your daily routine, change your life, give false hope, lead you on, require so much from you and when I feel like it leave with not much of a valid explanation because you know I’m still trying to figure this out” -___-
etc. etc. etc. Stating these reasons doesn’t mean they aren’t valid but what it does mean is that when you receive these responses it will ultimately effect your peace of mind, your happiness, your plans, and your focus and you have got to snap out of GAH GAH LAND, CHOOSE YOURSELF AND DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.
I am very much aware of how awful these “Destination: NOWHERE” situations can turn out, from both my friends’ and my own experiences. As hard as it may be you have to let potential go, consider reality and make the best decision for you and your life.
There are a variety of dating tips out there from many different perspectives. I’m more than sure that you can find answers to a lot of your questions concerning this topic, reading all that you already know but incase it hasn’t touched your heart to stimulate a difference I hope that these pointers serve you some justice. These tips do not have to be considered in any order, you don’t have to agree, you don’t have to make a decision about your situation today, just consider it, and it if doesn’t apply let it fly.
- Set boundaries: Make a list for yourself. What are you willing to do for a guy you are “getting to know”, a man you are in a relationship with, and a man that is your husband. Understand that you may not be able to stick to these boundaries but have them, try your best to stick by them and pray that God gives you the strength to fight your flesh. You are a gem, what you have to offer is precious. IT IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY.
- PRAY ABOUT IT!I know it is a touchy, vulnerable place and a lot of us like myself, ironically want God’s hand in every other aspect of our lives except for our love life. Prayer helps, you may not get what you want to hear and you may not be obedient to what you receive but when dealing with the matters of your heart it is very important to do all that it takes by any means to protect yourself.
- Remember: YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE ANYTHING. I have a tendency to subconsciously obligate myself to people in general. I always assumed that I must comply with whatever it is that people required of me and if not the world would end. Thankfully that is not the truth. You don’t have to do anything you do not want to do especially if there’s no valid destination being specified.
- The ball is in your court. There is an illusion that has been created, we are told that we should follow someone’s lead but in light of these “Destination: NOWHERE” situations you better get your own navigator together, pray for discernment, judge your situation accordingly, and lead yourself in the right direction even if it means you may have to leave someone behind.
- When you reflect on your list of what you are willing to do for your partner in different stages ask yourself how much have you compromised? How far have you gone with no real idea of where you are going with this person? If it is too much, be real with yourself and do what you truly know is best for you.
- Don’t over spiritualize, dramatize, analyze etc. the situation. In most cases it is what it is, so what are you going to do about it?
- COMMUNICATE!!!! ASK QUESTIONS, VERBALIZE WHAT YOU WANT, SPEAK YOUR PIECE! Pay attention to the responses with a sober mind that isn’t diluted with potential. Stand by what you want and what you know you deserve. DO NOT SETTLE.
- Step into these situations knowing that it is not the end all be all for you. I think we compromise so much because we think “This is It!”. That’s not the case.There is hope. There are options out there. Getting to know someone does not require your mind, body, soul, a house, your paycheck, a child etc. It’s not that deep. Don’t make it that deep not if you guys are just “figuring things out”. NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOO!
I think the best way to avoid a “let’s see where this goes: Destination: NOWHERE” situation is to remember to Love yourself, to choose yourself, set boundaries, and remember that there are options. The Most High God who works miracles, signs, and wonders has more for you than someone who doesn’t know what to do with you, or someone who doesn’t appreciate the true gem that you are. God Bless You and I hope this helps! Feel free to check out the video and Holla At A Playa!